Here we go again.

I’m trying not to complain. I truly, truly am. However, this blog, serves as a way to keep people (you know, the whole 2 people that read this) updated with my life and like Sarah, I use it as a journal. So, though it seems like I complain a lot, I really have a lot to be thankful for. I know that and I try to focus on those things daily, even if I don’t share with the group. I try to take each day as a new, fresh start, I truly do.

Last night, I caught the tail end of Glee. I’ve never watched this show but I was getting out of the bath and putting my pajamas on, it was on when I turned the TV on. They were singing, Lucky, by Jason Mraz. Two high school kids, singing this song, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes and I started to sob. They won the duet competition and went on a date for two, which made me cry even harder when he told her how much he’d tried to impress her and she shyly admitted she thought he was cute.

I didn’t sleep well last night, thinking of all that I might be missing out on. As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be married to the man of my dreams and have children. I really thought I’d be married by now. I mean, I’m 32. I’ve been dating since I was 16, what’s the problem?

I have heard some personal opinions from people (who will go unnamed) that I’m too picky, or I don’t give men enough of a chance, my standards are too high, etc. Well, this may be the case. Maybe I don’t give some of the guys I’ve dated enough of a chance but I’ve always felt that you know if you like someone within a date or two. Maybe I’m wrong. As far as my standards….well, I want what I want. That doesn’t make it wrong. I’d like a guy with a stable job, a car, a place of his own, a sense of humor, a sense of family, as desire to have a committed relationship and children. I’d like the guy to be attractive (to me), have a sense of humor, be able to handle my moods (that’s a job all in itself)….etc. I don’t feel this is too much to ask for. Maybe it is.

Maybe it’s me. It sure feels like it’s me. Maybe I’m too moody, too demanding, not attractive enough, maybe my teeth bother people….I don’t really know. I just feel like it’s me and I’m not sure what I can do to change it.

I had my palm read with Cindy when we went to Metamora for my birthday. Supposedly, I’m supposed to meet my “soul mate” this year. I’m supposed to be deliriously happy this year as well. So far, that’s not the case.

I’ve had a lot of pain these first 12 days of the new year and I have some personal stuff I’m dealing with. It’s nothing bad, I’m just still trying to live on a budget (and failed miserably these past few weeks), adjust to a new job (which I do love my job), deal with my fibromyalgia, etc. I’m comfortable living alone and for the most part, I’m semi-okay with being single. It’s not that awful. I don’t have anything to “tie” me down. I can come and go as I please, I don’t have to make adjustments to my schedule based on someone else’s, I don’t have to deal with snoring or bad eating habits or messes around my apartment (unless, of course, if they’re my own messes)….so being single does have it’s perks. I just still feel like I’m missing something in my life and I know that’s it.

I want someone to come home to. I want to snuggle up with someone when I sleep. I want someone to vent to besides Sarah or Tina or Cindy. I want dates and comfort and fights and laughter and children. I know dating and relationships are a lot of work. I do realize that but if it’s right, its worth working for. I want someone to go on trips with. I want someone who will pick me up when the weather is bad. I don’t need to be rescued. I’m pretty independent and I can take care of myself. And a lot of times, I’m bad about asking for help if I need something because I’m so used to doing it on my own. I’m kind of a control freak and I know that. It’s something I’m working on.

Let’s face it; I don’t do a whole lot to meet someone. I’ve tried dating sites and well, those haven’t worked so well (examples: David, Christopher, Brad…..) and I’ve done the friend set up thing, that ALWAYS backfires in my face, blind dates, set ups…..how do you meet someone? Online seems to be the choice way but the thought of paying for another dating website and putting myself out there again, makes me a little sick to my stomach. And to be honest, I don’t really need to be shelling out $50 to find a date. Of course, I could stop spending so much money at Michael’s and Target and maybe I’d be able to shell out the money….but I digress….

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I may be alone forever. :(

This whole thing has got me a bit down. I’m tired from not sleeping well and hurting a bit this morning so I’m sure that’s part of why I’m down. (It normally is the cause.)

I’m truly hoping that someday, I’ll look back at this post (and the several others on this very same subject) and realize that the man I have (in said future) was worth all this heartache and loneliness that I carry around. The palm reader guy seems to think it’ll happen…how come I don’t?