So.

So. This is a pity post and it's been a long time coming. I've debated about this post for almost a week and debated over and over about posting it. When times get hard, sometimes I retreat. Yes, I know, it's hard to believe, ME - not talk about something?!?! NO! :) I'm pretty good at sharing my feelings or sharing my thoughts, sometimes even when I should keep it to myself. But, I do retreat. I retreat into myself. I spend entirely too much time in my head and too much time feeling sorry for myself.

Embracing my pity party is important, or so says my therapist. I need to know my emotions are okay and how I feel, is OKAY. Right. You have no idea the guilt I carry around, the responsibility that is like this giant weight hanging around my neck. Then, days like today, when I take a day to myself, I feel awful. I didn't even call to check on my dad today. On one hand, it feels nice to forget for a day but the problem is, I don't forget.

I spend a lot of time fighting. You have no idea how much I've fought this week, I've fought with my dad, I've fought with nurses, I've fought with directors, I've fought with staff. I fight. I'm a fighter and believe it or not, I really believe I'm a lot stronger then I give myself credit for. And, I was reminded of that this week, by someone I didn't even know felt that way. Yes, one of the guys at work sent me the most touching email that I wanted to print and press to my chest.

I hear in times of crisis, how a person handles it, shows their true character. I take in information, I fight, I put on my game face and I go in like a fighter. If you know me at all, you know it's later...it's way later that it hits me. It's days after the "talk" or the "fight". I loss sleep, I cry, I break down. I'm overwhelmed and the strong fighter breaks.

I have people that love me. I'm so thankful these days for Sarah and Cindy, who have listened, who have offered advice, who have stood by me and been my friend. I take those people for granted. I know that I do. I'm thankful every day for the people that have been placed in my life. I know that I don't say it enough. I don't tell them I love them enough. I don't be the friend that I should. Going through something like this, when a parent is sick, when a parent stops caring about themselves, when the responsibility falls on you and only you, you feel so alone. So very isolated. I know, logically, I'm not. It doesn't stop the feeling of isolation from settling in.

This responsibility is mine and mine alone. I took this guardianship for my dad. I took it so someone that loves him would be the one calling the shots. I took it because I love my dad. I tell myself that every time I make a decision he doesn't like. Every time I leave a hospital or a nursing home, so angry I could break something.

I just wonder, at the end of the day, who will fight for me?

School.

I didn't think I'd ever say this but school started back up last night and I'm really happy it did, for several reasons.

I'm currently rocking a 4.0 (yes, that's right, write it down) and I'm excited to see if I can keep that up. This class (Communications) is hard. It's a lot of reading and essay writing, as well as working in groups. (Ugh)

I was looking over the course work for the next 5 weeks and this will be really challanging. The reading part I have down, that's easy. I can read until I'm blue (for the most part) and even answering questions about what I've read is relatively easy. The hard part (for me) is writing the essays. I don't feel I'm a very good writer so it's something I really struggle with.

I worked for almost 3 hours last night on homework. Now, granted, we have MWL homework. MWL stands for "My Writing Lab". Basically, you log into it, put in your instructor's access code (for the course) and it brings up about 5 writing assignments you have to do, all in different topics -- such as proper grammer, usage of quotations, semi colons, colons, etc. That's mostly what I worked on last night. We have 5 topics we have to do, our instructor recommends we do 1 each week. Well, because I want to, I did them all last night. The semi colon, colon and Parenthesis one kicked my arse. We have to get a 75% or above to consider it passing - you can retake each test up to 8 times, if you need to. I had to take that test 5 TIMES to get an 80%. Evidently, I need to go back and learn proper usage of colons, semi colons and parenthesis. UGH. All the other ones, I took once or twice and got a 90% or above.

I also did the first part of my reading and question answering. The second part, I'll work on tonight.

All of our reading and question answering is due by Saturday. MWL, essay & team work is due by Tuesday of the following week. So, I can spread it out. I'd like to get my reading and stuff done by Friday night so I don't have to spend all day Saturday doing it.

Sarah has been helping me a LOT with my essay writing. She lets me bounce ideas off of her and she proof reads all my crap, as well as makes suggestions. She's been a BIG help to me. It's nice to have someone I trust look at my stuff and honestly tell me what they think. (And believe it or not, she never tells me I suck!)

I'm proud of myself. I think it's a huge accomplishment for me to have a 4.0 in COLLEGE. Who knew.

Well, I'm off to fill out some paperwork (for school). :)

What's so wrong with me?

Well, because my life just works this way, it happened again.

I was stupid and I’m embarrassed and kind of ashamed of myself. I feel like a complete moron and to say I’m depressed it the understatement of this new year.

Steve contacted me last Wednesday. I got a big long email from him apologizing all over himself, saying his biological mother died (he’s adopted) and he was devastated. Not knowing how to handle it, he pulled away, freaked out and just read my email on POF the Monday before. He was reaching out to me to apologize and say he’s sorry for doing me wrong and asked if we could be friends.

I thought about it for a long time and after several emails back and forth, I called him Wednesday night. We talked for 2 hours. I was very clear with how I felt, how I really liked him and was devastated when he fell off the planet. I told him I wouldn’t be against trying again but I needed to be reassured that he wouldn’t go away again.

The next several days were nice. He had his kids for the New Year holiday but we talked on the phone several times, texted non-stop and I was enjoying him being back in my life. It went right back to the 1-2 weeks we dated and how comfortable I felt and I was really happy.

Sunday night, he came over. I ordered pizzas and we watched movies. I was so happy to see him, we talked non-stop and laughed and just had a great time. He spent the night. (Yes, please, keep it to yourself how stupid I am.)

Yesterday morning, it was snowing. The roads looked pretty slick (we weren’t prepared for the inch of snow we got I guess) but Steve decided to go home to get a change of clothes and get cleaned up, then we were going to meet and hang out for the day. I asked him to please stay, it was early and the roads didn’t look great, plus it’s a 40-60 minute drive (in good weather) from my place to his. He insisted he needed to get out of the clothes he’d been in since Sunday morning and we’d meet up later. He couldn’t seem to get out of my apartment fast enough.

I called him an hour after he left and he said he still wasn’t home (he was laughing because I was worried) but he was just taking it slow and he’d let me know the moment he got home.

He texted me about 10:45 and said he was finally home, was going to shower and he’d text me when he was ready to go.

Not one word since. I did text him about 2 yesterday afternoon and NOTHING. I debated on calling but I decided against it. I can pretty much deduct what he came back for.

Boy, do I feel stupid. And used. And ashamed. And embarrassed. And humiliated. I REALLY thought he was different. He said all the right things, we seemed to want the same things, we met and spent the 5 out of 7 days we knew each other hanging out and when we weren’t together, we were texting and talking on the phone.

I can’t seem to cry. I teared up a few times yesterday but that’s it. I feel numb but yet, I still feel stupid, used, ashamed, etc…... My mom is really worried about me; I had to swear I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. And I’m not suicidal, I promise. But, I’d like to go to bed and just stay there. I debated on calling in sick today to work. I seriously just want to crawl into bed and never get out.

I know this will pass and I know I’ll get over it but I’m so sad right now (as well as all the feelings listed above), I just don’t know what to do.

I haven’t been this sucked in, in awhile. My stomach is a mess. I think I’ve worried myself sick that I can’t keep anything inside. (We’ll just leave it at that). It’s been on and off since Steve came back. Maybe my body knew this wasn’t going to work. Maybe my body knew he was lying. Who knows. I attempted some coffee this morning and so far, it’s stayed down. We’ll see.

I didn’t sleep that great last night. I’m really depressed.

All I know is – I’m done. I know I have said that before but I am. I canceled my POF account this morning (which was difficult, seeing all the recent emails from Steve on my POF inbox) and I have no intention of going back. I can’t do this anymore. I seriously can’t.

I know my life isn’t that bad and a lot of people have it WAY worse off then I do but it doesn’t stop me from hurting so bad right now. My heart just hurts.

30 things to stop doing to yourself.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1.Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2.Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3.Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

4.Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5.Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6.Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7.Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8.Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9.Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

10.Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

11.Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12.Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13.Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14.Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15.Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16.Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17.Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18.Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19.Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

20.Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21.Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22.Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23.Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24.Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25.Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26.Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27.Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28.Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29.Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30.Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Letter to Steve.

So, after what I considering one of the best weeks in a long time, I was stood up on Saturday and have not heard a word from a guy who just called himself my "boyfriend" on Thursday night. I spent almost all Saturday night and yesterday in tears.

I hate this. I truly do not understand what's so wrong with me that I can't find a decent guy. Am I being punished? I am still really upset. I sent a few text messages and tried to call him on Saturday. Not one word back. I feel so so so stupid.

I wrote him the below on POF - though I'm sure it'll be deleted and he won't read it. Here's hoping he does.

Steve,

I don’t even know if you’ll read this, I hope that you do.

I’m hoping that you are okay and that nothing terrible has happened to you or the kids.

What happened? Is everything you said a lie? Did you get cold feet? Am I stupid for believing what you told me?

I’ve gone over and over this last week, trying to figure out if I did or said something to make you go away like this. I can’t come up with a thing. Everything seemed fine on Friday and then it’s like, you fell off the planet.

I know we don’t know each other that well and things seemed to happen rather quickly but I never pegged you for a player or a liar. This very much seems like the cowards way out.

I really like you and I thought that you were different. I’m hoping maybe you just got scared and needed a few days. I don’t know. And I probably never will. I won’t contact you again, after this. I just wanted to tell you that I do care about you and I meant everything I said.

I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

So, as you all know, I'm on Plenty of Fish, looking for a date. I haven't been getting on (or checking it even) in awhile because I was getting really discouraged with it.

I got an email this morning from POF saying "SoandSo (names protected, ha!) wants to meet you!" I clicked on the link.

This is the profile I saw:

I am on here looking for a friend or friends, whom would like someone to go out with and enjoy dates with at a very understanding level. I am a married man, and in an open relationship with my wife. We both date outside our marraige.I enjoy movies, music and going out to dance but I am terrible at it. I am currently employed and work a lot of hours, but tend to have free time through the week that i would love to fill with someone special. So hit me up if you are an open minded and free spirited individual. And we will talk and maybe things will go a bit further. But again, please always remember that I will go home to my wife. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

REALLY??!?!?!?!?!!? You've got to be joking. Really?!?!?!?

I'm the type of person that, for the most part, what people do in their lives, as long as it doesn't interfere with mine, I don't care what you do. Regardless of my opinion (which believe me, though I don't care what you do, I always will have an opinion on it), you can do what you want with your life.

This profile BUGS me. On several levels. First, if you read my profile it says you CANNOT be married to contact me. Period. I'm not interested if you're married, thanks. Second, this d-bag wants to fill his free time during the week with SOMEONE SPECIAL. How about your wife, you ass hat? Third, said d-bag will always go home to his wife. Well then, why don't you STAY there with your wife, make her the SOMEONE SPECIAL and you won't need an open relationship?

*bangs head on desk*

Again, I don't really care what people do, I truly don't but don't come at me with your BS when I CLEARLY state in my profile that I don't want married guys.

Stay home with your wife, you d-bag and stop dating outside of your marriage.

Oh and learn how to spell marriage correctly and maybe your wife will stop dating other people too.

I love.

I thought today seemed like a good day to do a list of things I love. I was in bed last night (where I often think of blog posts that never make it here) thinking about all the things I love and lucky for you, I'm going to post about it.

So, here you go!

I love:

...cool sheets.

...pajamas.

...bubble baths.

...heels. (though I never wear them)

...plaid.

...owls.

...dragonflies.

...Frank Sinatra.

...hugs.

...stargazers.

...orange.

...reading.