So.

So. This is a pity post and it's been a long time coming. I've debated about this post for almost a week and debated over and over about posting it. When times get hard, sometimes I retreat. Yes, I know, it's hard to believe, ME - not talk about something?!?! NO! :) I'm pretty good at sharing my feelings or sharing my thoughts, sometimes even when I should keep it to myself. But, I do retreat. I retreat into myself. I spend entirely too much time in my head and too much time feeling sorry for myself.

Embracing my pity party is important, or so says my therapist. I need to know my emotions are okay and how I feel, is OKAY. Right. You have no idea the guilt I carry around, the responsibility that is like this giant weight hanging around my neck. Then, days like today, when I take a day to myself, I feel awful. I didn't even call to check on my dad today. On one hand, it feels nice to forget for a day but the problem is, I don't forget.

I spend a lot of time fighting. You have no idea how much I've fought this week, I've fought with my dad, I've fought with nurses, I've fought with directors, I've fought with staff. I fight. I'm a fighter and believe it or not, I really believe I'm a lot stronger then I give myself credit for. And, I was reminded of that this week, by someone I didn't even know felt that way. Yes, one of the guys at work sent me the most touching email that I wanted to print and press to my chest.

I hear in times of crisis, how a person handles it, shows their true character. I take in information, I fight, I put on my game face and I go in like a fighter. If you know me at all, you know it's later...it's way later that it hits me. It's days after the "talk" or the "fight". I loss sleep, I cry, I break down. I'm overwhelmed and the strong fighter breaks.

I have people that love me. I'm so thankful these days for Sarah and Cindy, who have listened, who have offered advice, who have stood by me and been my friend. I take those people for granted. I know that I do. I'm thankful every day for the people that have been placed in my life. I know that I don't say it enough. I don't tell them I love them enough. I don't be the friend that I should. Going through something like this, when a parent is sick, when a parent stops caring about themselves, when the responsibility falls on you and only you, you feel so alone. So very isolated. I know, logically, I'm not. It doesn't stop the feeling of isolation from settling in.

This responsibility is mine and mine alone. I took this guardianship for my dad. I took it so someone that loves him would be the one calling the shots. I took it because I love my dad. I tell myself that every time I make a decision he doesn't like. Every time I leave a hospital or a nursing home, so angry I could break something.

I just wonder, at the end of the day, who will fight for me?