I was stupid and I’m embarrassed and kind of ashamed of myself. I feel like a complete moron and to say I’m depressed it the understatement of this new year.
Steve contacted me last Wednesday. I got a big long email from him apologizing all over himself, saying his biological mother died (he’s adopted) and he was devastated. Not knowing how to handle it, he pulled away, freaked out and just read my email on POF the Monday before. He was reaching out to me to apologize and say he’s sorry for doing me wrong and asked if we could be friends.
I thought about it for a long time and after several emails back and forth, I called him Wednesday night. We talked for 2 hours. I was very clear with how I felt, how I really liked him and was devastated when he fell off the planet. I told him I wouldn’t be against trying again but I needed to be reassured that he wouldn’t go away again.
The next several days were nice. He had his kids for the New Year holiday but we talked on the phone several times, texted non-stop and I was enjoying him being back in my life. It went right back to the 1-2 weeks we dated and how comfortable I felt and I was really happy.
Sunday night, he came over. I ordered pizzas and we watched movies. I was so happy to see him, we talked non-stop and laughed and just had a great time. He spent the night. (Yes, please, keep it to yourself how stupid I am.)
Yesterday morning, it was snowing. The roads looked pretty slick (we weren’t prepared for the inch of snow we got I guess) but Steve decided to go home to get a change of clothes and get cleaned up, then we were going to meet and hang out for the day. I asked him to please stay, it was early and the roads didn’t look great, plus it’s a 40-60 minute drive (in good weather) from my place to his. He insisted he needed to get out of the clothes he’d been in since Sunday morning and we’d meet up later. He couldn’t seem to get out of my apartment fast enough.
I called him an hour after he left and he said he still wasn’t home (he was laughing because I was worried) but he was just taking it slow and he’d let me know the moment he got home.
He texted me about 10:45 and said he was finally home, was going to shower and he’d text me when he was ready to go.
Not one word since. I did text him about 2 yesterday afternoon and NOTHING. I debated on calling but I decided against it. I can pretty much deduct what he came back for.
Boy, do I feel stupid. And used. And ashamed. And embarrassed. And humiliated. I REALLY thought he was different. He said all the right things, we seemed to want the same things, we met and spent the 5 out of 7 days we knew each other hanging out and when we weren’t together, we were texting and talking on the phone.
I can’t seem to cry. I teared up a few times yesterday but that’s it. I feel numb but yet, I still feel stupid, used, ashamed, etc…... My mom is really worried about me; I had to swear I wasn’t going to do anything stupid. And I’m not suicidal, I promise. But, I’d like to go to bed and just stay there. I debated on calling in sick today to work. I seriously just want to crawl into bed and never get out.
I know this will pass and I know I’ll get over it but I’m so sad right now (as well as all the feelings listed above), I just don’t know what to do.
I haven’t been this sucked in, in awhile. My stomach is a mess. I think I’ve worried myself sick that I can’t keep anything inside. (We’ll just leave it at that). It’s been on and off since Steve came back. Maybe my body knew this wasn’t going to work. Maybe my body knew he was lying. Who knows. I attempted some coffee this morning and so far, it’s stayed down. We’ll see.
I didn’t sleep that great last night. I’m really depressed.
All I know is – I’m done. I know I have said that before but I am. I canceled my POF account this morning (which was difficult, seeing all the recent emails from Steve on my POF inbox) and I have no intention of going back. I can’t do this anymore. I seriously can’t.
I know my life isn’t that bad and a lot of people have it WAY worse off then I do but it doesn’t stop me from hurting so bad right now. My heart just hurts.
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