Fake death.

Okay, lately, I've been thinking about death. How morbid, right? Well, I have a reason. I've heard a lot about death lately. My best friends mom was given a 6 month time frame for the rest of her life (the news has since changed, thank the heavens!) and several people are sick....it just brings death to mind.

To add insult to injury, my father is ill and in the hospital. This also brings death to my mind and I'll tell you why. Each time I step into the Fort Hamilton hospital and I hit the button for floor 5, my mind goes reeling to the day they told me my father had 7-10 days to live. I can process all of those emotions again and remember all of the questions I had in my head when it happened. Who will walk me down the isle when I get married? (Which, I don't think will ever happen but I digress) Who will my children (again, moot point) call grandpa? Who will I dance with at (pretend) wedding? And so on and so on....

I am going to be brutually honest here. I have WISHED for my father's death. Yes, that's right, I put it out there. But you see, I don't really want him dead. I just want him .... out of my life, for an extended period of time.

How often has one of us said "I wish he was dead!!!"? I betcha you've said it a time or two. But do we really mean it?

I think we want what I have fondly named - a "fake death."

Death is so final, so permanent. When you wrap your mind around the fact that death means you will NEVER EVER see or deal with that person again, it's a little startling. (At least to me.) I don't want to never, ever see my father again (though sometimes I may tell you otherwise), I just want him to go away for awhile. I need a break. He gets sick and I can literally feel a little more of my independence being sucked away and I feel myself being short changed AGAIN. (Yes, I realize some of you may think I don't do that much, you can STFU until you're in my shoes.)

So, when I wish he was dead or that I didn't have to deal with the burden of my father, ever again, I don't mean dead dead, I mean fake dead. I just want him to go away for awhile, visit Mars (you know, the family you left behind when you came to this planet, dad?), go see the whales, find your mother ship....go do those things and give me a blessed break. I'd like a few weeks of no Tuesday night trips to Bob Evans or Kroger's, no phone calls telling me that I've yet again won the Shitty Daughter Of The Year award, no checking in to make sure you haven't fallen naked through the coffee table again, covered in your own .... you know....

Just a few weeks of silence. A few weeks of feeling 31 and single and childless. 31 and free of responsibility (besides, you know, work). A few blissful weeks of not wondering if you've eaten, or how much beer you've drank today, or if you're calling again to tell me what I HAVE NOT done for you? Ahhhhh...a few weeks of "fake death."

I imagined last night what my life might be like if I had a "normal" father. You know, a father who works, takes care of himself, drives his own car, takes you to dinner on your birthday, calls you just to say hi, gives you Christmas presents that you'll actually like, doesn't have his neighbors call you on a random Sunday night to tell you what an awful daughter you are....you know, NORMAL.

Maybe I'd be married by now.
Maybe I'd have a better self esteem.
Maybe I wouldn't feel so effing overwhelmed all the time.
Maybe I could leave the state and never look back.
Maybe I could enter a hospital where nurses do NOT know my name and no one cringes at the sight of me.
Maybe I wouldn't be so resentful.

Maybe...
Maybe...

Oh well. This is my life and for whatever reason, I am stuck with it. I try very hard not to complain (most of the time, I do a terrible job of NOT) and I try to just deal with it (though it's getting increasingly harder and harder to do that)...but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish for a fake death....

Or maybe, instead of a "fake death"....someone could just come and take care of my dad for like 2 weeks?

Anyone? Anyone?