I’m not very vocal about this, though I’m sure my friends are aware, but I am always carrying around baggage. This baggage would be my friend’s guilt and failure with a possible trip from disappointment.
I’m never available enough, I don’t answer my phone fast enough, I don’t have enough money…etc, etc, etc.
It’s hard for me. The best thing I did was move out of my mother’s house but I’ll admit it’s very difficult. I pay all of my bills and have some money left over for groceries and some fun things. I can’t shop like I used to, travel like I used to, eat out like I used to, well, you get the picture.
My dad wants to go to Lake Erie the weekend of Father’s Day. While I do want to take him (not really but you know, he deserves to get out), its $150.00 to stay in a hotel up there for 2 days. That’s JUST for the hotel. It doesn’t include gas, food, souvenirs and everything else. I just can’t afford it. My father is having an absolute fit. To be honest, it’ll be hard for me to even go to Idaho this year and that’s really the only vacation I take. He doesn’t understand that. He sees me spending $300 + on a plane ticket and doesn’t get that I can’t spend $150 to take him someplace he wants to go. See – failure and guilt.
He wanted me to take him to the store on Friday night, I didn’t have time. I had committed to watching Lynn’s dogs that evening (she pays me, hello!) and he had a fit about that as well. He really needed to go the store and I failed to provide for him, once again. So, I made the time, I decided to take him to the store and then just go to Lynn’s, well, by the time I got to his place, he had changed his mind (giving me the “I know you’re too busy” routine) and just asked me to take him through a drive through somewhere so he could eat. Welcome guilt.
Yesterday, he went to the store on his own. When I asked why he didn’t call me (since he needs a lot of help going to the store), the answer I got was “Well, I DID ask you but you must have forgot.” Nice.
I can’t win. I know it shouldn’t bother me but it really does. I’m only one person. I constantly feel like I never do enough (for everyone in my life), I’m never available enough, I don’t make enough money, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t.
It hurts my feelings. Everyone really wants me to be there for them (in my family) but seldom are they there for me. I need a new car, I could use some new clothes (because I’m fatter then I was last year), etc, etc. I don’t expect hand outs and honestly, if someone offered to help me, I’d turn them down but you know, it would be nice. My brother has often gotten the help he required or needed and I’m almost always, left standing on the sidelines.
Speaking of which, I got some nasty text messages from him yesterday since he called a few times and I refused to take his calls. I got messages saying “Well, I’m glad I’m not dying since you don’t answer your phone.” “It’s a good thing it’s not important, since you refuse to talk to me.” I didn’t even grace him with a response. I don’t have to talk to him. And after the things he’s done to my mother & father, I don’t know why I SHOULD talk to him.
I spent some time with Lynn this weekend and she did a really nice thing, she bought me some clothes. It’s nothing extravagant but she got me 2 really nice dresses (she says everyone should have at least 1-2 nice dresses for various occasions), a pair of shoes, a shirt, 2 books and she fed me and let me stay at her house. I feel horribly guilty. I don’t need 2 new dresses, I have 1 that still fits and is appropriate for various occasions. I have plenty of shoes (a black and brown pair that would go with anything), I didn’t need the books, I have plenty…. You get my point. So, I’ve decided I’m going to pay her back for everything she bought me. It’ll take me some time but I’m going to do it. I feel awful she bought these things for me. I shouldn’t, I know but I do. She said she did it because I watch her dogs for her whenever she needs and she knows I could use the stuff, but it’s the point.
Why am I like this?
So, anyway, I just needed to get this all out. It’s been bugging me for awhile and it really came to a head this weekend with the guilt trip from my dad. I’m going to try to be better about being available for him while maintaining my own life. I know it’s got to be terribly hard not to have any transportation and only be able to depend on one person. (As my mom so kindly reminded me of on Friday night.)
And I’m going to cut back. I’m going to cancel my cable (I’ve been talking about this for awhile (and it sucks because there are shows I do watch)), cut back on my cell phone minutes (and maybe make my dad start paying for his portion of the phone), start going back to the library (instead of buying books that just sit on a shelf and collect dust), stop buying towels to hang on my stove (hahahahaha, that’ll save me a few dollars)….you get the picture.
There are ways I can cut back and still have money to do fun things and not skimp on what I like to do (like get my hair cut and colored) and the like. I need to start being more wise about my money.
Things will be better once I can pay off this root canal bill (and crown eventually) since it wasn’t a planned expense.
I really do not regret moving out or living on my own. Its way worth it, it’s just hard sometimes. I need to be more careful with my money, that’s all.
I’ll talk to my therapist this weekend (I see her Saturday) about the guilt, failure and disappointment feelings that I constantly fight. Maybe she can help. I feel better now that I typed it all out and got it off my chest.
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