Not a happy post.

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about my grandfather. While I do have a father, I’ve never much had that “fatherly” role model. My dad was decent but he worked a lot, was hardly ever around and let’s face it, has a drinking problem. He’s not going to win any father of the year awards.

But, I always had my grandpa there to be that role model that I needed.

I miss him so much. These past few days have been rough for me. I’m super stressed at work. We’re so busy and it’s just flat out crazy. I’ve come in at 6AM the past few days, working until my regular time and going home to get my daily stuff done and then head to bed to start all over again the next day. I’m very confused as to where things are going with Mr. Indiana, things seem to have shifted and I can’t figure out if it’s something I did or what but I can tell you that it’s breaking my heart. My family is having a hard time, my dad is very sick (stomach bug, isn’t he lucky?), etc. I miss Sarah horribly; I haven’t had much time to talk to her lately. I’m just overwhelmed. I feel like things were starting to look up. I was making new friends, had this great guy in my life, my new job is great, things are picking up with Scentsy….and now, as par for the course, it’s crashing around me (again).

I have cried myself to sleep for the last two nights. And last night, it was partly because I miss my grandpa so much. I sometimes forget what he looked like. I can’t hear his voice in my head anymore. I find myself going to my bookcase, snatching the picture of my grandparents off the shelf and staring at it, just so I can commit their faces to my memory again.

I want desperately to talk my grandpa and ask his advice about Mr. Indiana, talk to him about my job, and ask him how to help my family. He always seemed to know what to do, he’d say the right thing and sometimes, if he didn’t have the answer, he’d just listen and remind me that I was okay and how much he loved me. I want/need him to tell me he’s proud of me, that he loves me and that no matter what; God has a plan for me. I want to tell him about my life, about Sarah and Ben (he’d love Ben, he loved little kids), about Bobby and Jakob, I want him to meet Sarah, Tina and Cindy, I want him to see my apartment, I want to tell him I took his advice and put 10% of my pay into my retirement and have since the day after he told me to do that……but none of these things will happen.

He’s where he wanted to be. He always believed in Heaven and couldn’t wait to get there and now, my grandma is with him and they’re together, after a brief time apart. He’s happy. I have to believe that he’s happy and in Heaven. But, damn if I don’t feel horribly selfish and want him back.

Until 5 years ago, I’d never lost anyone that close to me. Sure, I’ve lost family members but they were older or I didn’t know them that well. When I was around 7, I lost a friend but the loss of my grandfather was the most devastating thing to me. At 27, I’d lost the man I considered my second father, my best friend. He was a man I admired, respected and relied on.

I miss him. Every single day, I miss him. I still have his phone # in my cell phone and on occasion, I think about calling it just to see what would happen. There isn’t a day that goes by (literally, no lie) that I don’t think of something I want to tell him or wonder what he’d say to something that had happened. I’m reminded of him every day. It’s awesome but painful.

I know this isn’t a happy or a positive post but I needed to get these feelings out. Maybe I can cheer up a little now that I’ve got some of these feelings out of my system. Who knows. I just know that I couldn’t sleep last night, thinking about my grandpa and all the things I need to talk to him about.

I miss you grandpa. I love you.